The semester started off on an Old Testament note with hail hammering the windows, lightning strikes illuminating the skies above the Berkeley campus, and hordes of wet and shivering students cramming the hallways. I always begin the semester with the usual syllabus hoo hah and a short assignment, and it got me thinking about the inevitable critiques I’m going to have to write on all of my students’ essays in a couple of weeks, and the fact that I will feel like a dick afterward. Look, I love teaching, the classroom part anyway, and I believe it is a vocation and a calling and all that, but I am unconvinced that anyone in their right mind enjoys writing comments on essays. Maybe I’d feel differently if I taught creative writing, but I suspect not. I always feel terrible after I finish a pile of grading.

Which in turn made me think about internet book reviews and blogs. My students occasionally comment that I am a “harsh grader” but after some of the things people have written about my own books, I can only think, wow, in comparison to the pundits of the blogosphere or internetlandia or whatever we’re calling it these days, my comments on essays are like a freaking Hallmark card. But I do have a sense of humor, and so I thought it might be kind of funny to assemble a few of the meanest, weirdest things people have written about my book. Mostly on Goodreads. I kind of hate Goodreads, and I’m beginning to think the democratization of book reviews via the internet is kind of terrible. But let’s do this anonymously! Wouldn’t want to start any trouble or anything…

Those who have been part of the culture will find the book to be like a late night conversation with that one friend who wants to show her indie cred by talking about what everyone else has done and how she knows all those people from her work and that she is one of the first people to have seen Smoosh play, but now their parents are exploiting them and what’s up with Care Bears on Fire?

I hate hipster academics.

The worst music book written in the last ten years.

Kaya Oakes lacks the literary finesse to execute the history behind indie culture in an engaging and entertaining way for the reader… considering I bought Miss Oake’s [sic] book in a super-sized Barnes and Noble…she might think twice about criticizing the corporate book chains and major publishers that are to thank for her book receiving residuals and royalties. (side note? HAHAHAHA royalties? HAHAHAHA)

A wildly inaccurate account of the notable events of “indie” culture in the past 15-20 years.

I don’t know that I’ll finish this book, the weather changed and the covers curled back to expose the cheap and pulpy inner core.

So, to all of my past, current and future students, now you know: you are getting off so, so easy.